Management Insights

Management Humor - 2

Things to think about

• If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean?
• Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited?
• Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
• If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
• Why is that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes--why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Zingers

• I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem.
• If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.
• I don't get even, I get odder.
• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
• I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
• I tease about drugs a lot, but in reality I take them seriously.
• Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.
• I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
• I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on CD.
• I am in shape. Round is a shape.
• We've upped our standards, now up yours.
• Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
• If I wanted to listen to an asshole I would have farted.
• I'm so far behind I think I'm first.
• Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front.
• How's your wife and my kids?
• Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.
• Sin - I didn't invent it - I'm only trying to perfect it!
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
• Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
• Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
• Just because I don't care doesn't meant I don't understand.
• An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
• If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
• Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
• If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings - including this one.
• Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
• People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.
• Celibacy is no hereditary.
• If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be called "research".
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!
• Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
• Time is what keeps everything from happening to us all at once.
• My heart is in the right place, I know, because I hid it there.
• Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
• Am I getting smart with you?...how would you know?
• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
• The truth is out there. So what are you doing here!
• Clean, dependable, hard working...good god what kind of monster have I become!?!
• Things always look better when you can't see them.
• "Push to test." "Release to detonate."

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